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30th-May-2010 12:28 pm
orphan black -helena
This poll is about something I've recently been through.

Say you meet a guy at work. He seems nice and asks you out. You have ok but sort of awkward conversations.  And you're not that interested (it's obvious he likes you way more than you like him) but you're curious to see where it all goes so you say yes. However there was no chemistry at all on the date. I mean, zero. You tell him you're not interested and he says that he's ok with that but then 2 days later he sends you an email that can best be described as erratic and contradictory. Naturally there is more to this than just the email like texts but it would make this post way too long so this is a brief as I can make it. It includes things like:

"But I think you've got a good heart, which is why I'm wondering why you've been so hard and so cold and so passive" I'm only including because he later says I'm could be compassionate, am I cold or kind-hearted, lol?

"I felt I was putting too much on the line even trying to talk to anyone I worked with. But you were so smart... and you looked so good in that striped top you wore sometimes... and you looked like the type of person I could have a decent conversation with, whenever you didn't look like you were about to beat someone up." but then he says that "you're not exactly the most brilliant conversationalist..."

"You can be such an ass, sometimes. Like, okay, I dig that you weren't feeling me and I know that the crack about your body was probably tasteless, but damn it woman, have a little heart. You can be so blah."  I still don't know what he means by crack about my body. He texted me, after our date, after I rejected him that I had an awesome body so I don't see how it's a crack.

"To sum things up: I like you. I think you're awesome. You have a serious attitude problem and it wouldn't hurt for you to show a little compassion-- but, really, I think you're amazing."

The whole email is like that. I'm definitely not interested after that email so my question is do I respond and tell him back off or do I just ignore it? I'm just not sure if I'd make it worse with either option.

Poll #1571922 Some advice

What should I do?

Respond and tell him to leave me alone
Don't respond and just leave it alone
No clue. :-)
A third option I haven't thought of

***Edit: I should have added that I don't work with him anymore because I was laid off on the 20th so, thankfully, it's not a matter of personal safety. He wasn't weird until this past week when we had our date. He doesn't know where I live unless he's crazy enough to try to find out***.
30th-May-2010 04:43 pm (UTC)
If he seems all that attached to you, the best thing you can do is tell him that you do not feel the same way and that you want him to leave you alone. Be on your guard with guys like this, please. The worst mistake you can make is trusting a guy who might be screwed a little too loosely in the head.

I've seen a lot of reports on stalkers. Most of the reports have indicated that the woman just ignored her potential stalker until he did something potentially harmful or fatal to her or her family, whereas an expert said that telling them straight-up is better than ignoring the situation.

No matter how nice the guy is, you should definitely be cautious if he's acting this erratic and focused on the issue after you told him you weren't interested.

Good luck.
30th-May-2010 06:44 pm (UTC)
See that's what I was thinking but every single on of my real life friends say to just ignore it which I think would make it worse. If I at least say that I'm definitely not interested then I'll know I said something and wasn't ambiguous.

And thanks.
30th-May-2010 05:02 pm (UTC)
Wow, what an incredibly tasteless email that sounds like. He might've well just come out and said "c'mon, stop being such a frigid bitch."

Firmly tell him you're not interested again. If he persists, keep a record of all his creepiness towards you in case he turns out to be a stalker.
30th-May-2010 05:39 pm (UTC)

And definitely seconded on keeping track of his communication with the OP. Since they work at the same place, where it could easily get very ugly, this is especially important.
30th-May-2010 06:04 pm (UTC)
I forgot to add that while this was all happening I was laid off so I definitely won't be seeing him any time soon except possibly when I have to pick up my last check in a couple of weeks.
30th-May-2010 06:09 pm (UTC)
Ah, good good. However, it sounds like he has your phone number (since you mentioned texts). Does he also know where you live? Because that can still put you in danger if he turns out to be the erratic stalkerish type. =/ The workplace might still be involved if he tries to, say, call you during his work hours, etc. So yeah, be on your guard, and good luck with this. <3

But yeah, I say to definitely put your foot down and let him know, in no uncertain terms, where you stand and that you won't accept further contact from him (after which, he can be reported for harassment if he attempts further contact).
30th-May-2010 06:50 pm (UTC)
He does have my phone number and email but that's about it. I'm not facebook friends with him (because I'm really private about that stuff) or any social network.

As for where I live, he knows that I live in a neighborhood in near the beach in NYC but not what part and it's a large area. And he doesn't live close at all, esp. considering he can't drive.

31st-May-2010 04:58 am (UTC)
30th-May-2010 05:07 pm (UTC)
This makes me think of the post on nice guys vs Nice Guys. http://divalion.livejournal.com/163615.html Be wary.
30th-May-2010 05:41 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the link! Excellent reading, this.
30th-May-2010 06:50 pm (UTC)
awesome post. thanks for the link.
(Deleted comment)
30th-May-2010 06:51 pm (UTC)
That seems like the plan. Thanks.
30th-May-2010 06:30 pm (UTC)
I would respond curtly telling him you're not interested and to leave you alone. Don't argue or discuss any of the points he's made, he wants you to do that so he can engage you.

He sounds like a total creeper. :(
30th-May-2010 06:56 pm (UTC)
Yes I definitely have to remember not to respond to anything specific he said which is hard because I want so badly to defend myself but he doesn't deserve that.

Oh he is. And what's better is that he thinks he's being charming in some of the stuff he sent me. ::rolls eyes::
30th-May-2010 09:07 pm (UTC)
Wow, wtf is wrong with this guy? He just keeps going between complimenting you and then insulting you. Does he think that's what girls like? Seriously, after reading this I want to find this guy and just punch him in the fucking face. Shit.

I would never do this to a girl. Anyway, I was going to say ignore him, but, sometimes that does make things worse, true, so I say respond once telling him again you're not interested. And don't respond about any of the points he made. Apologize even if you're not sorry, though. Like "Sorry, I'm not interested" or some sort. I wouldn't be extremely rude or mean about it just yet; you may get him angry enough to go after you, since he's this crazy already. Just to be on the safe side I'd throw a nice "I'm sorry" in there somewhere. Definitely be keeping a record of all these e-mails/texts/etc, and at the one point ANYTHING seems to feel weird and you feel like your life or others may be in danger, go to the police immediately, with these e-mails and everything.

Please be careful.
31st-May-2010 12:19 am (UTC)
Oh yeah, I know. Quite a guy, that one. :-/

Yeah I just finished sending an email saying just that sorry I'm not interested and please don't contact me. So we'll have to see how that goes.

I'll keep everything you in mind and will definitely be saving the emails/junk. Thanks for the concern.

30th-May-2010 10:25 pm (UTC)
I would totally ignore it unless it really got on my nerves. I think he's just looking for any response from you at all, and if you ignore him, he'll probably go away. Then again, he does seem kind of crazy, so what do I knwo???
30th-May-2010 11:19 pm (UTC)
I'd send back a short and clear email that you're not interested, and you'd like him to leave you alone. After that, I'd ignore him, but keep a record of any contact.
31st-May-2010 12:21 am (UTC)
I just sent an email saying I'm not interested. And I plan on doing just that. Thanks.
30th-May-2010 11:47 pm (UTC)
Respond once and tell him to leave you alone. After that, block him from texts and emails and things like that if you can.

This guy comes across as creepy. You never had a relationship with him from what you have said. Ignore this crap, IMHO. He's just trying to rationalize things and has something built up in his mind that is not there. I agree with everyone that says don't try to argue any specific points, because his points are all baseless. Just respond once with a simple, "I'm not interested. Please don't contact me again."

I'm sorry you got laid off, but I think it is a matter of personal safety if he's behaving this way. Who knows what he's thinking and imagining. I also agree that if he finds a way to continue contacting you, keep a record of it.
31st-May-2010 12:33 am (UTC)
That's I did and plan on doing.

Yeah I've known him for all of a few months and would only work with him 1 day out of the 3 days of the week I worked. I didn't lead him on in any way (which wouldn't merit this type of behavior either way).

I understand what you mean. I'm not trying to say that I shouldn't be worried (and believe me, I am). And as big as NYC is, often times it is a "small world" kind of place. I'm just trying to rationalize and sort it out in my head because I can't believe this shit is happening, lol.
1st-Jun-2010 10:08 am (UTC)
I have a thyroid problem so I have to take medicine for it for the rest of my life, it really bums me out because I'm only 26. Luckly I dont have to pay for it.
1st-Jun-2010 03:14 pm (UTC)
And you're not that interested (it's obvious he likes you way more than you like him) but you're curious to see where it all goes so you say yes.

Yeah, in the future, don't do that.
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